Monday, September 18, 2017

Doe

She said she'd leave the door unlocked for me, to just come in
When I arrived, I went to her bedroom and saw her laying on her bed
Listening to Black Hole Sun and reading Bukowski
She had just painted her nails with nail strengthener so her bedroom smelled like chemicals, incense, and vanilla
She walked up to me to kiss me and she tasted like chocolate and rays of light and September
"What took you so long?" she asked with impatient sweetness
I told her about the traffic jam caused by the accident on Southern and the 101
And her pout turned into concern for the drivers
I love her concern
She wears the coat of a lion but inside she is a doe
She's a cloud inside a bullet
Roses set on fire
I watched her scurry around the kitchen to make us lunch
Little feet pitter-pattering
Small hands twisting and turning
This sweet creature
Tiny but strong
I don't know why she loves me
But I'll take whatever she has to offer
Meals, love, mercy
Oh, mercy me
My sweet doe.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

Hymn

I am trying to be better
I am trying to wipe off the dirt and the fear
I ripped myself in two so that I could stitch myself back together with liberation and release
I'm letting go of what no longer injects my veins with fire
Flushing out toxicity and mapping out survival routes
I am coming for everything they said I couldn't have
There will be rest
Until then, keep fighting

I am a storm in a teacup
A supernova in a spoon
I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to go

I only have the glitter on my nails
The bleach in my hair
The fragile bones under my skin
And the infinite above my head
But I'm going to turn them into light and harmony and freedom
So that when I go back home in my spaceship someday
And turn back into stardust
I can say I did my best
For now, I'll take my vitamins, rise with the sun, and breathe in and breathe out
Live my beautiful reckless life
Accept myself for the messy artwork that I am
And sing, sing, sing.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Our Story

You crawled into my head on January 29, 2013 at 4 o'clock in the afternoon
It was only 20 minutes
But 20 minutes can lead to two and a half years
When I said hi to you
I thought about how my voice sounded
If I should have said more
If I said too much
I just wanted to see you again
Then you let me creep into your head, too
I never knew such freedom
Love as liberation
Covered in sunlight
Steady chainsmoking
The smell of your cigarettes in my hair
Never knowing what was next
We loved with burning love
We loved with fierce love
We loved with all-consuming love
What anyone else would call obsession
We called every day
Under each other's skin
Swimming in each other's veins
Making music with your bones
And turning my heart inside out
My raison d'ĂȘtre
When you were there and I was here
The twin size bed was too big
And the sun was too cold
Time went by like molasses
And my mind raced
But like the seasons change
And the sun is replaced by the moon
Everything is temporary
And we are cherry blossoms
I wanted to stay on your mind
But you forced me to leave the place that I called home
I overanalyzed every word you said to me
I tried to sleep at night instead of worry
You didn't text me back for 20 minutes
But a lot can happen in 20 minutes
You could find someone you like more than me
Someone who doesn't worry about 20 minutes
And then the nausea set in
Maybe it was me
Maybe I'm unwell
I took my vitamins
I breathed in and breathed out
I drank more water
But the nausea never went away
When you fall in love
You're not supposed to lose sleep or your appetite
Love is not loss
Love shouldn't burn like this
Like a fucking forest fire in my chest
Holding on with sweaty palms
Trying to tighten the knots we've tied ourselves up in

Zero to a hundred and back to zero
Again and again and again
You're in, you're out
All the love, all the doubt
"I need you back, I made a mistake"
"I can't do this, we need a break"
Leaving me crying on the floor
An empty shell
I warned you
I told you how hard I loved
Doing the same dance over and over
It isn't ideal
But it's better than being alone
Like Amy and Blake
Hanging on loosely
Then you tell me you love me and I am wrecked

I gave more than I got
No matter how much love I bought
I still lost even though I fought
I came in second place to the booze and the pot
Your good time
Do you love me or not?
So I tap my fingers on my thighs
And bounce my foot up and down to pass the time
Waiting for you to come home
Hoping you remember my name
I'm glad you made so many new friends tonight, but baby
I thought I was your best friend

I found other girls' underwear in your bedroom
But I couldn't find where you kept your love hidden under the dirty mattresses
I dug up my treasure chest for you
I ate dirt and drank fire for you
The patron saint of giving in
I know I should walk away but I can't
Your last name sounded so good with my first name
The ring on my finger will fix us, right?
It's hard to heal when your medicine is making you sick

It felt like you and I would still end up together in the end
Despite our history of self destruction
I don't say that hoping it would be the outcome
It's more as though I had resigned myself to it

And then my eyes started to open
And I couldn't believe how bright it was outside
Was it always like this?
How much have I missed?
My beloved, I can't do this anymore
I wish I could stay but I'm walking on broken glass to get to you
I can't keep putting bandages on your life while mine bleeds on the floor
I've lost too much to keep you
And love is not loss
You can't keep me on this long leash
Then pull me back whenever you decide you want a pet
I'm ready for the tide to come in and wash me away

I don't love you anymore

I thought I would miss you but I don't
I thought I would try to call you but I won't
I can finally separate my soul from yours
And stop hiding inside you
I found my own light
You always seem to be right next to me, still
But I have to remind myself that a shadow can't hurt me
I am bulletproof
I am a novel and I have my own tale to tell
Close this book, our story is done.